attempted articulation

In the modern text “An Interesting Narrative”, the didactic message is not obvious. This runs contrary to more ancient writings such as those read in class: the “Ramayana”, “Maharajia Lawana”, the “Epic of Old Mali”, and to a certain extent, the “Conquest of New Spain” which whose didactic messages were clearly projected unto one of its main protagonists. This literary device is called the hero archetype wherein a character is used to embody human and social virtues and in turn paint a story of the triumph of these human and social virtues through the struggles of the hero. In Oluadah Equiano’s narrative, it is questionable if he makes that attempt to make a hero out of the main protagonist not because it happened to be himself and didn’t want to come out as hypocritical, but it could be said that Equiano needed to speak to the modern sensibilities of the British society. To directly use didacticism by making a hero out of himself in his time while being an African who was considered a “sub-human” being would have simply won him a space in the abyss of dusty archives at best or the literary grave called the “subversive” or “propaganda” label whose pages are left never to be picked up by those who mattered. To push for his agenda of humane treatment of slaves, Equiano conformed to the British discourse, culture, and morality and eloquently at that. He acknowledged the need to pad the feathers as he attempts to ruffle them-- that to awaken the social imaginations and challenge the moral sensibilities of British society, Equiano wielded message not only through his pen, but also through his life that spoke of the same virtues British society celebrates and aims to accumulate and used these same virtues: excellence, self-determination, and compassion as his vehicle to argue against the practice of brutal slavery in the modern, imperial, and proto-industrialized society he belonged to.

The virtue of excellence means the maximizing of competency for the good. Though originally from the Greek concept of “arête” that means virtue or excellence, it holds so much power with the sensibilities of Equiano’s intended British readers and Equiano was one that truly practiced this virtue. More than anywhere else, Equiano exhibited excellence in his craft. By writing very eloquently and communicating his points exceptionally well in the language of the British discourse, he was able to capture the minds and hearts of the British readership. Testament to this are the many subscriptions his autobiography acquired which included much of European royalty and even the Queen of England herself. He also practiced excellence in his own life as seen in the success he attained in his social stature with his own efforts. By developing excellent writing skills and business competencies, he was able to “evolve” from his “sub-human” position in British society and into a member of the British free men. These manifestations of the virtue of excellence earned him a privileged place in the British society despite the prejudice against Black slaves that still existed at least in the minds of the British.

Another virtue Equiano practiced was self-determination which means having the liberty to act according to one’s own will and motivation. The fact that Equiano was able to climb the social ladder of the British society and earn wealth and a good reputation was an indication of him practicing the virtue self-determination. Though it should be said that he wasn’t able to do this on his own without enlisting the help of some of his slave friends, contacts in business, and especially his employer and teacher, King, it can be said that much of his success can be attributable to his own efforts. This struggle for self-determination was then legitimized by British society which valued the virtue of self-determination. Being in a modern society, the values of old that emphasized conformity to entities beyond one’s self such as the church, the kingdom, and the government and even to metaphysical entities such as gods or the cosmos are slowly giving way to the modern stress on the power of the self. Also, if Equiano didn’t follow his ambition of alleviating the practice of brutal slavery and remained in the English colonies, he couldn’t have had the achievements he attained in England. In addition to this, with the use of his own talents, not only did Equiano determine himself in British society, but he also helped his fellow Africans in determining themselves at least in British society. Through enacting his political will, he practiced self-determination not only in matters that concerned him, but also in matters beyond himself.

Finally, the virtue of compassion is one Equiano emphatically practiced. The virtue of compassion is a social-relational virtue that means that a person that is compassionate is prompted to act upon alleviating the suffering of another person. Equiano practiced the virtue of compassion especially towards his slave peers. The biography he wrote “An Interesting Narrative” is a great indication of his practice of compassion. It might be argued that he wrote the biography to further personal agendas, but it must be put to mind that at the point wherein he wrote his biography, he was already a person of high stature in British society. In fact, he already had the capacities to be a successful writer and businessman at that time, but he chose to spend time in the abolitionist movement against slavery and fuel an anti-slavery discourse in England and eventually all over Europe. He didn’t forget his and his slave peers’ experiences within slavery and fought against it when he already had the capacity to. In the practice of compassion, he didn’t stop in earning for himself redemption from the unjust conditions slavery subjected him to, but wanted to fight for those who are still caught and inconvenienced by it. This compassionate struggle was one that eventually shaped the values of British society and eventually the world.

With the practice of the three virtues of excellence, self-determination, and compassion, Equiano was able to effectively achieve for himself and for British society a better society that is more humane towards Africans and other races that were considered slave races. This he did not do only through his literary career but also in his career in the practice of virtues. Through these practice of virtues, the outward rewards of wealth, fame, and respect he earned only served to decorate his most important achievement—that of virtue itself. He was able to be a didactic not only through his words, but as Aristotle would have recommended, through character and example.

Monkey as in cultural median res

The novel “Journey to the West” as a narrative has made a considerable impact in the consciousness of many generations even up to now. This can be seen in many of its contemporary adaptations in popular culture such as in East Asian cartoons and comics called “anime” and “manga” respectively. Such examples of these are “Dragon Ball”, “Gensomaden Saiyuki”, and “Alakazam the Great” which whose main characters have the name “Son Goku” that is identical to that of the novel’s main character’s self-proclaimed title of “that equal to heaven”. It is interesting how it started as a text likened to subversive propaganda or even an illegal text. Produced in a time wherein only the classical style of Chinese writing developed in the Tang and Han dynasties are endorsed by the dominant discourse and bureaucratic power structures that used literary prowess as a standard for civil service, it is characterized as a revolutionary text that banners fresh perspectives and new world views. It can be said that the novel powerfully toggles between the cultures of antiquity and modernity by using traditional Chinese cultural values and depicting a then unorthodox narrative which champions modern values of personal identity and upward social mobility for the ordinary person.

It is evident that in “Journey to the West” the traditional cultural values as represented by the philosophical systems of Taosim and Confucianism though not explicitly mentioned and the religion of Buddhism are present. In the text, Lao Tzu and Buddha, the founders of Taoism and Buddhism respectively are actual characters and have considerably important roles in the plot of the narrative. One thing that is interesting is the subtle allegiance of the narrative to Buddhism as portrayed by the greater efficacy of Buddha over Lao Tzu in pacifying Monkey. This preponderance of Buddhism over Taoism though might only be a nuance used as an expository device that parallels a possible opinion of Buddhism’s greater prestige over Taoism in Chinese culture. Above and beyond this point, it is very evident in that Buddhism takes a central position in the narrative in Buddhist struggle for enlightenment through detachment from the material world which is present in the lives of the main characters. Monkey, Pigsy, Sandy, and the horse Dragon-prince are the guardians of Tripitaka in their journey to the west. They all have had lives that were deemed sinful due to living a life of arrogance, hedonism, destruction, lust, and other disvalues which negate the central Buddhist value of enlightenment. Due to living sinful lives, they were individually punished either by the human world or by Heaven. These three strong warriors and the horse were promised a chance to earn forgiveness for their sins and consequently enlightenment once they are done accompanying Tripitaka in retrieving the Buddhist sacred scriptures from India and bringing them to China. The Buddhist sensibility in this text is so powerful that the purpose and motivation of the main characters and hence the essential animating principle of the plot are the central Buddhist struggle for enlightenment.

Though secondary, one cannot discount the importance of Taoism and Confucianism in this text. One can see the Taoist philosophical system operating in the end wherein they found that the sacred scripture is “nothing”. Taoist reflection is most present in the end wherein it is depicted that there is no single method of attaining salvation and that the “way” is simply living a life of compassion, moderation, and humility. Confucianism on the other hand is seen operating in the mere emphasis on the importance of hierarchies in the celestial bureaucracy. The chaos that emerged when monkey disrupted Heaven is an indication of the emphasis of Chinese culture on structure to maintain peace and prosperity. Also, the fact that the five travellers were assumed unto the celestial bureaucracy and the degrees of their rank based on their own merits signifies the value put on hierarchies and to contributing to the strengthening of these power structures.
The presence of the traditional values of Chinese culture as reflected by the presence of Buddhist, Taoist, and Confucian ideas reflect how the culture of antiquity is present in “Journey to the West”. Though with using elements of traditional Chinese culture, Wu Cheng’en wasn’t content in simply reifying the dominant discourses and the hyper-value put on the traditional literary styles of his time. He wanted to put his own spin to his narrative which made him toggle between the cultures of antiquity and modernity. By making Monkey who is considered a deviance in the story the hero-protagonist that reaches a successful fate points us to his desire to inject new values to his time through the text he wrote. One who is typically alienated in Chinese society is brought to a pedestal and given the highest rank of Buddha in his narrative which reveals the modern sensibility of valuing a unique identity. Monkey personified an identity that endorsed the modern axiology on the importance of originality. Through Monkey, Wu Cheng’en asserted his original and personal world view through his text and was able to present a different way of seeing things.

Also, in using the vulgar language in his time, it can be said that Wu Cheng’en wanted to diverge from the practice of simply imitating the styles of the texts of the Tang and Han dynasties most writers did. If he had used the existing language considered to be the language of literature and of the bureaucracy, only the educated elite would have been able to read his narrative. He wanted to draw the masses to read. It could be said that this choice was of a modern sensibility of giving importance to the ordinary person. Traditional Chinese values emphasize the need for stable social structures which consists of hierarchies that exist through putting certain elite in the pedestal and ordinary people in the background. By giving access to the exclusively elite experience of literature to the ordinary person, Wu Cheng’en challenged the social order. This discourse also exists within the story. Just like in the conflict Monkey had against Heaven and his desire to be equal to it, Wu Cheng’en through the “Journey to the West” asserted his desire to be equal to the existing power structure and dominant discourse of what is considered beautiful in the realm of Chinese literature. Also, much like Monkey’s tendency to bring to his home, Flower Fruit Mountain the goods from Heaven, Wu Cheng’en wanted to take to the masses the goods from being educated. Monkey’s bringing melons to his people powerfully parallels Wu Cheng’en’s bringing literature to the masses. This can be said a way of challenging existing social structures in Chinese society and endorsing upward social mobility to the masses through literature.

In accordance to this revolutionary modern sensibility “Journey to the West” brings this struggle to the political level. The preface of Arthur Waley’s translation of “Journey to the West” says that the literary symbol of celestial bureaucracy has always been used in Chinese literature to connote commentaries on the existing government’s bureaucracy. In this sense, Wu Cheng’en uses this traditional literary device to satirize the elitism of the bureaucracy of his time by making literature ordinary.

More than being an epic or a Buddhist text, “Journey to the West” is a novel of socio-cultural and socio-political revolt. Through the character of Monkey, this novel toggles between the cultures of antiquity and modernity. By creating a revolutionary narrative which asserts that the foundations of the civilizations of his time are founded on “nothing” as depicted by the lack of text in the sacred scriptures of Buddhism, he asserts that his own values are just as valid as that endorsed by the dominant power structures and discourses of his time. “Journey to the West” etches values far beyond his time which until now exists and pervades the very consciousness of the modern man and woman.

During the onset of Typhoon Ondoy Saturday, October 3, 2009, I was with my peers in the Church of the Gesu having an activity in my organization. When the activity has ended, my friend called me and said that I wouldn't be able to go home due to the floods in Katipunan. At first, I didn’t believe what she said and remarked words that made exaggerations out of the piece of information she shared with me. Being an officer of the organization I was with it was a hard message to swallow because it meant that not only I wouldn’t be able to go home, but so will my constituents in the organization. It meant that I was responsible for them. When it finally sank in that we wouldn’t really be able to go home, I suddenly panicked quietly. My calm exterior was a foil to the lawless debate inside my head and the adrenaline sensations were starting to influence my actions. After a fruitful discussion regarding our plans, it suddenly dawned on me how much these kinds of plans were absurd attempts to control our destiny. True enough, along the course of facing the dynamic forces of the storm and moreover of life, our plans proved too naive to contain the more profound needs of the moment. Many have experienced more losses than my lost night in the comfort of my home which I actually deemed a positive event because I was able to spend time and bond with my org-mates. But above and beyond the petty inconvenience the storm brought upon me, it made me feel my vulnerability as a human being. Many of my friends live in Cainta, Marikina, and Pasig and I have heard on oral accounts, through the news, or the papers what the storm has caused upon multitudes of people. It was pretty ironic how I found myself in the Church of the Gesu during the incident because it was designed to be the highest point in campus. It proved as if a symbol to my being fortunate amidst a tragedy. My house was in no way affected because my father is an engineer and is well aware of the needs of drainage in a home within a sewage-challenged city. This made me realize experientially how much a “going down the hill” is necessary. Not that I literally went down the Church of the Gesu which I did nor did I go down the geographical Ateneo hill which I literally did, but I was called to throw away my laurels and dirty my hands in what is really important. I do not adorn myself with more laurels when I say that I volunteered in the relief efforts and helped with comforting some of my friends who were affected by Ondoy, but in fact, I feel that I’d want to strip myself off more pretensions. If only I could give more and do more, I believed that I would have. The thing that hindered me the most was my academics. Frankly, I felt proud of the Ateneo administration when it declared its glorious memo of giving the opportunity to its students to attend to their moral obligations amidst the needs of the times, but I believe that I didn’t take advantage of this memo. Now, what I feel is that I have simply went back to my old ways of only focusing on my petty concerns such as getting high grades, spending time in front of my laptop, or going out with friends. What dominates my moral consciousness is anxiety or perhaps a social Jonah complex. How much more could I have helped? Not that I deem myself a Messiah, but honestly, I think I could have done more contributions to those affected by Ondoy. I believe this reflects much of what my fellow students struggle with—a certain “social emo-ness”. The feeling of being too small to effect anything of considerable benefit to society. Nonetheless, I have done my part, but I know that it hasn’t been my best. At this point, I believe that what is needed now is a new way of seeing and doing things and I have yet to find it.

Congratulations and Jubilations ADMU and SANGGU!

I was very impressed with the declaration that the requirements after October 5 will be optional. Aside from the fact that I feel lazy to go back to studying after volunteering for the relief efforts, I think that that move was something that proved the real worth of the Ateneo education. They discerned well and saw that it's much more important to contribute to helping our brothers and sisters affected by ondoy and learn things far beyond any classroom lecture can supply. KUDOS ATENEO for living up to "Nation Building"

Wala na namang klase at tapos na ‘kong mag-aral
Papunta na naman ba ‘ko sa tanghalan
Kung saan ang pangkalahatan ng aking oras ay akin nang sinayang.
Hindi madali ang maging mag-aaral
Ipit sa utang na loob sa magulang
Salat sa hiya kapag mga grado’y medyo mababa

Magsusulat na naman ba ako
ng mga sawing mga kwento
ukol sa araw-araw at sa kung anu-ano
nauubos na ang aking inspirasyon
tila upos ng sigarilyo
ang mga salita kung saan ang aking mga daing ay naikakahon

tanga ka tanga ka!
Ipinagpapatuloy mo ang pagsusulat nito
Puso, isip, kaluluha, katawan, lahat na
Sa papel ay nais nang mailathala ang dama
Emo! Ika nga ng aking mga kaibigan,
Kailanganing maglabas ng nadarama ba’y kasalanan?

Ewan ko ba kung bakit patuloy pa rin
Ang panulat kong pudpod na
Nauubos na ang aking papel at tinta
At patuloy na lumalago ang aking mga saloobin
Ang paglalathala kong ito ay para saan pa
kung sa kaduluhan ay ang nagawa’t naisulat ay ‘di maitangging bitin na bitin?


- nagskascan ako sa mga files ko sa laptop ko... at may nagawa pala akong ganitong tula nung freshman ako... nakakatuwa kaya pinopost ko ngayon :))

I sat on an empty throne
Adorned by my laurels
Ambivalent of truth

To place You in this castle
As if a butler or a handmaid
Whose service is my due

Little that I know
That this ‘kingship’ I ‘have’
Is just borrowed

You stretch out Your arms,
Laid down Your body,
Wore Your crown of thorns

To gaze at what kingship
And this kingdom really is
I am made to stand.

- something I wrote when Ica asked me about my faith...

Sa pagitan ng Philamlife tower
At ng Ayala Avenue,
Maluwag ang espasyo
Para sa katawan kong 29-23-31.
Kasama ko ang aking sanggol
na nasa aking mga braso
Sa tapat ng espasyong
Dating buntis na sinapupunan.
Subo-subo niya ang aking suso,
Pinipiga ito para sa gatas
Tila bampirang sumisipsip
mula sa utong na duguan.
Nang mangawit ang aking bisig
Sa pasaning buhay na ito,
Akin itong pinalaya,
Sa hanging tila puwang na para sa lahat.
Ngunit okupado pala ang hangin,
Bagkos inagaw ng “hangin”
Ang aking bisig, braso, at kamay
Sa paglampas sa mundo ng bangketa.
Mukhang masyadong maliit at masikip
Ang mundo para pa maisip ang mag-unat.

there is a flow;
I do not how it goes,
but it just does.

through openings
in a total surrender
as if taken hostage,

there's nothing but
or everything hence
overwhelmed-ness.

outward and inward
liquids gush
desperate of release

as the thick air
does nothing
but penetration

I will not allow myself to edit this blog content-wise. Of course in grammar I'll edit it, if then it'll be impossible to understand.

I want to write about a lot of things and I'll list them first before I allow myself to plunge into writing with a lack of structure. And knowing myself, it'll really be unpredictable.

1) Mr. Greg Royse replied to my poem.
2) The movie I watched, "Wanted."
3) Final Fantasy III, IV, and VII.
4) Choir work.
5) My plans.
6) My feelings.
7) General thoughts.

First off, I had to make it seven!!!!

A lot like what George Carlin said about the 10 commandments, it's not much about the commandments being 10 in essence but having to make it 10 to deliver the essence. Kind of deconstructionist which I so love... and deconstructionist to myself- HOW ME! :))

that's simply called second-guessing. HAHAHA!

1) Mr. Greg Royse replied to my poem.
If you're actually interested, please read an entry of mine: "The Topless Toilet Guitarist."

Well, at the onset I was just shocked and couldn't believe it.
What I did was, I immediately created a private message to the nearest person I can comfortable share it with. Those were Pia, Michi, and Rychus. HAHAHAHA!

the review, which proved to be dialectic in reverse goes...

Pia: detached- mostly unpronounced congratulations.
Michi: parallel to how I felt at the time- excited.
Rychus: outright doubtful- critical.

There it goes!

Probably those were the feelings I went through in reverse order: Rychus, Michi, Pia.

Rychus
At the first seconds I really couldn't believe it and said to myself in the most "me" way I know, "seriously."

Michi
Then the part when I excitedly let the possibility of it actually being real travelled right away to my fingers which opened private messages and conversations with ever person I can talk to at this late hour of the night/mornight...

Pia
As soon as I got the replies starting from Pia, I immediately became detached probably absorbing the points of view those I were talking to of me. A case of meta-awareness and in a sense philosophically called reflection.

* This blog is going to be so long...

2) The movie I watched, "Wanted".

It's a really nice movie.

Perhaps I really disagreed with the system of values in it. LIKE KILLING BEING A NEGOTIABLE ACT.
Nonetheless, it was nice. THE EFFECTS. THE SOUNDS. THE ACTORS AND ACTRESS (that would be AJ).

I especially like the last part, it was a very cliche ending, but it actually had me thinking. "Am I actually taking control of my life?"

Perhaps, perhaps not. I don't know. Maybe I'm just too jaded to know that it's a NO. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

3) Final Fantasy!!!!

III- It has a very creative battle system- the jobs! Oh I love the freedom!
The story though is kind of mediocre for me, though I don't have the right to say so yet because I have not been able to finish it probably because of a lack of interest to.

IV- The battle system is very nice as well because it has a certain degree of freedom though not as insultingly free as in FFIII. The story is a lot better here though I always get the feeling that the writers are just trying to prolong the story and are forcing characters in the parties and hence eliminating some by either dying or injury. It's kind of insulting to my wits that some players are so artificially removed from the party to be replaced by another nonetheless it's very exciting for the battleplay when this happens.

VII- I can't even begin raving about how beautiful this game is! I haven't even been playing it and now I'm so excited!!!! This will be the last final fantasy I'm going to play in my sembreak because I have to start reading my books. I have been reading them 5-10 pages a week though- HAHAHA HOW PATHETIC- which obviously I ain't satisfied with. Perhaps this postponement of too much cognitively activity of comprehension from reading for more problem-solving in games may do my good because being a psychology major doesn't really entail a lot of thinking. I've noticed that it's all about memory. Ain't I right?

4) choir work.

'nuff said...

Honestly, I have been doubting my abilities to lead the choir lately. I personally now am growing to be a more solitary person than I've been used to for a long time. I was when I was a kid only having a few friends to whom I'm extremely loyal to, but lately I've developed a certain detachment to a lot of people and being selective to who I will be actually loyal to. Well, they say people change and it's been a phenomenon too real for me to over-emphasize.

I really hope at least by the end of my term that I'd be able to cultivate growth in the choir more than anything else.

5) My plans.

I'm just going to list them off... Because honestly, I really don't have the emotional energy to think of the hows of achieving them.

I. learn to drive
II. allot more for reading
III. practice on my writing
IV. be a better choir head
V. always be open to changes especially in myself
VI. be more understanding to the people more special than usual
VII. end vicious habits

well... it was listed from the easiest to the hardest...

don't know where to start and I have a feeling that it has to start with all of them.

6) My feelings.

I now feel contented to be honest.

I see the direction of my life going somewhere actually and see the potentials of it being a good one. Perhaps there lies my problem, I always see the potential and let it remain as such. let's not get too deep into this, I'm not in the mood to be courageous and let myself enter myself again.

7) General thoughts?

Perhaps I just want to be happy.

Maybe that's just it.

Haaaaaaayz...

It's October 13, 2008!

My thoughts are rushing through and I have erased all the things I have been typing before I have arrived with this first sentence before I put the date above. I've told Agnes that I'd want to blog about my last day of the 1st academic semester, so here it goes!

SURRENDER!

Walking past the populated area of McDonald's Katipunan never has felt so final. The semester is over. Walks passing by McDonald's and more often than not entering to scan the place for potential presence to overpower mine will halt. At least for this semestral break.

My mind is racing. Thoughts surface one on top of the other seemingly random. Like a current that rushes unfiltered as if my focus has become lenient, permitting the doors of my consciousness to open wider. Wider until I am overwhelmed of my own thoughts.

Desires. Feelings. Hopes. Guilts. Coulda. Woulda. Shoulda.

This current of thoughts in my mind undermined my will which in all irony have all been focused in controlling my body to arrive home after a tiring test of 165 items of physiological psychology. I suddenly felt detached. Or at least the detachment that plagued my soul suddenly became apparent. Though my legs have been automated in its walking my eyes refused to give in.

I was crying.

The current of my thoughts had to seek its expression in my eyes- tears. Though I was not sad, just overwhelmed but at the same time at peace. This event isn't really rare for me. I just always find myself shedding tears seemingly randomly.

Random?

Perhaps not. My philosophy and my cognitive psychology teacher said that people always say that their thoughts are "random," though in reality they really are not. These thoughts are more often than not insight drawn from complex schemas of thoughts and concepts which emergence cannot really be traced because of two factors: the rich content of our minds and the lack of awareness of our own ways of thinking.

Don't I really know myself anymore?

Why do I ask this?

I considered my crying random!

And indeed! I sincerely feel that when I cried, it was random for me. Probably in the formation of the tears which symbolized the crystallizing feeling in my heart that liberated itself symbollicaly in my eyes, my soul had its own thoughts that I wasn't aware of, that my mind was detached from.

Suddenly...

Agnes texted me she missed me and "kamusta" how am I!?

It was God's message to me.

Kamusta ka na!? How am I!?

And right there and then my desire to be as self-sharing as possible swiftly gave this answer: "My semester has just ended and I suddenly found myself crying..."

That was it!

My semester has just ended and my heart has done its work without me knowing! My heart has surrendered to that fact while my mind wasn't still. All those feeling about my experiences of being a junior psychology major in the Ateneo de Manila Loyola Schools have melted away to a sudden crying. As I was wiping my tears approaching ministop and with few, perhaps beads enumberable by the fingers of my hands, I suddenly wanted to make my taste buds surrender to a cold and endorphinated snack- chocolated ice cream.

Upon buying, as if experiencing what Sisyphus had when he was running back for his boulder as it rolled down the hill, I became conscious of myself. The semester was over and with everything that I am feeling, I surrender to them and let them take me over for that moment.

I gave out a sigh.

The depth of that sigh was beyond words...

As I sat down at one of the seats at ministop my focus was wholly at the ice cream. Except for the occasional reply to agnes' text messages, my being was all for licking that ice cream off. My experiences for the semester flashed in my mind which paralleled each lick of that ice cream. Each instance of sweet at the tip of my tongue that turned into the reaction of mouth-watering 'til the end of each hint of bitterness, I let my experiences flash in my mind and finally... in my heart and soul.

Despite the cold of that ice cream, I felt warm... and it was something familiar, something that made me feel human.

I was alone with my thoughts and my ice cream and that's all that mattered for that moment. It felt good!

I let my guards down and made myself vulnerable... if possible at all... vulnerable to myself. It was liberating and the triumph of that moment was dealt with an act of surrender amidst a chaotic war of thoughts because what mattered now is what I felt. Talk about non-violence within.

I felt happy.

I felt at peace.

I missed this.